Rom and I took the first part of Gordon Neufeld’s “Power to Parent” course, organized by one of our neighbors (though the class was not just for people in our community). The class is based on videos but I wanted to revisit Neufeld’s book Hold On to Your Kids so I picked it up again.
It’s funny, how we learn and relearn the same things, isn’t it?
I found myself dog-earing lots of pages, feeling a sense of new clarity. Of course, parenting keeps on keeping on, doesn’t it?
Orlando is in a new place (8!) and so is Mica (5!), and they’re there together, which means I’m going new places, too. New challenges, new growth, new insights (sometimes the same ones in a new light), and I feel so glad to be sharing the class with Rom. We will take the next part in the new year.
At the end of each class, we shared our intention for the next two weeks. My intention for each prior class had been to collect. Collect, collect, collect! And to light up with delight when seeing the kids.
But at the last class, I was rambling, trying to summarize what the class had meant for me and my parenting, trying to formulate an intention going forward in light of where I’ve been.
I came up with…
:: Continuing to clarify/resolve/temper my inner critic (which has been in overdrive the last few months), finding a way, continually, toward kindness to myself, and bringing that softness into my relationship with my kids.
:: Reclaiming some of the inspiration and purpose I felt as a parent in the earlier years. Being more proactive and moving away from parenting on demand.
:: And lastly, accepting that things get off track sometimes and that that is okay. 
Accepting, grieving, and growing from here, which is the only place you ever grow from: where you are.
“If we took our cues from the natural sequence of development, our priorities would be clear. First would be attachment, second would be maturation, and third would be socialization. When encountering some turbulence with our child, first we would address the relationship, which is one and the same thing as preserving the context for maturation. Only afterward would we focus on societal fit — that is, on the child’s behavior. Not before satisfying ourselves that the first two priorities were met would we proceed to the third. Accepting this discipline in our interactions with our children would keep us in harmony with developmental design and help us live in harmony with our most fundamental commitment [the child him or herself]. That’s the thing about parenting: doing our best for our children works to bring out the best in us.
…When we make the effort to find our way back to our children’s side, transcending our own feelings and containing theirs, we are delivering a powerful message that the relationship is our highest priority.”
– Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, Hold On to Your Kids
* * *
I would recommend the course if you’re able to do it — so much more in depth than the book and goes way beyond the idea of peer orientation.
Some good summaries of the course material are here.
to updates and extras
Thank you for posting this. I am so grateful for the Neufeld paradigm and I know I would benefit from revisiting it as my kids have grown too, 5 and 7.
xo
We have listened long to Neufeld’s PTP, we have it at home. His other DVDs are also stellar, but one at a time right?
I have had the fun of sitting in on his tapings of a few of his DVD’s and he is masterful at making things crystal clear, but also at going in depth in such a way that invariably, you DO get more out of his teachings a second (or a third or fourth in our case) time around. Love him. He is local to us, and so this has been do-able.
He is very understanding and appreciative of learning at home and gets the dynamics of what that can be like. I really love how he talks about the “collecting” too. And collecting is something I love to do with my adult friends, that ‘check in’ regularly to show and express how they light up my life. And learning to do this with my boys has done wonders for my parenting. I grew up invisible, and it can be easy to carry on in my day, not visiting their faces with delight and wonder. But I more love it when I do take that time often throughout the day. I see their reflected joy back to me.
Thanks for the reminder to revisit this with my partner. We used to watch these over and over and discuss what we noticed/observed/felt. He loves Gordon Neufeld too, and it really brought us close together when we allowed the other to learn what they needed to, and I didn’t try to “make” him see what I wanted him to see. Tricky one!
Taking the class with Rom has been a very wonderful gift. One of our neighbors in our cohousing community planned the session, and I just don’t think Rom (or maybe even I) would have taken the class otherwise. We met in our Common House on Sunday mornings — the 50 foot walking commute was perfect!
We both got a lot out of the material, and having a shared vocabulary is so helpful, but, like you said, we also have our own relationship to the material and don’t have to convince each other of anything. I feel really grateful.
i’ve never read this one. i’m intrigued that you dog-eared so many pages. i’ll see if i can get a copy. thanks.
and yes, it keeps on keeping on.
Hey Mon,
Well, to be sure, I dog-ear lots of pages in every (nonfiction) book I read! It wasn’t so much that I dog-eared tons of pages but that I dog-eared more than I expected, since I had read the book before.
The book is about attachment but it focuses on the idea of peer orientation (when children use other children to fulfill their attachment needs), almost to the point it obscures the really good (IMO) information, which is about how attachment works in humans and how to help create and maintain a good attachment to your kids. “Peer orientation” almost becomes a bogeyman of the book, the cause for all ills, but peer orientation is only possible when the primary attachment relationship with a caregiver is damaged, weakened, or unsatisfactory. So the focus for me is not so much on worrying about peer orientation but on how to build, maintain and repair the attachment relationship.
When my kids were younger, the book didn’t appeal to me so much — I didn’t disagree or dislike it, but it didn’t resonate as much as it did now that my kids are older. It was, at least for me, much more easy and natural to maintain a good attachment without having to think about it or be intentional about it, back then. But as my kids have gotten older I’ve found that a firmer commitment and greater clarity about attachment is just what I need right now.
I found the class to be much more informative and inspiring than the book, but if you read the book, I would focus on Parts I and IV, Chapter 6 about Counterwill, and Chapter 10 about Aggression.
And I must say that I think you probably know a lot of this intuitively already.
I did, but the course was like a wake-up, back-on-track call to me.
Best,
Stacy
Oh wow, this is gold Stacy. Would you recommend the book first then? I will bookmark the website and take time to explore. I really need this right now. My emotions have been all a whirl lately, and resentment has been creeping in, which is always a clear sign of me needing to turn around and look where I’ve been. Thanks…
xo
I think the course material does a much better job at getting the principles of attachment across, or at least it did for me. I found the focus on peer orientation in the book distracting, but there is still lots of good material in the book. I would definitely recommend it — read it and see what resonates with you. And the course is not cheap ($200 plus the option to purchase the DVDs) and may not be offered in your area, so the book at least can get you started!
i’ve been wanting to read this book since learning about it on the parenting passageway and moment to moment blogs. i am so excited they have it in our library system! hope i can get it and read it before we move in two weeks! it’s on order. sounds like it would be great to take a class with your partner. you’re very blessed to take such a close look at your parenting together.
my partner and i, both home now as we welcomed our surprise 2nd baby 6 months ago, just read this. it is a wonderful – we live in the middle of the city and homeschool/unschool and this has helped guide us through all of that – not feeling so awkwardly different and giving us clarity and confidence to listen to ourselves from the inside out.
my oldest is almost 5 – it is resonating so wonderfully with me. thanks for sharing your thoughts on the class…
is there any online material or videos I can watch living in Malta Europe is impossible to do such course and I havent found the book in the library (most parenting books do not exist actually here) and I CANT buy another book just yet
i read this one last year, and i think your recommendations and the points you are making about the book are right on, stacy. it’s one i’d recommend to just about anyone, but i would also say there were a couple of things i found distracting, and agree that the meat of the attachment message is still worth wading through those bits… i think i will open it back up and skim a few of my dog eared pages.