Orlando tells me that his stomach hurts, in that same spot it hurt before, when he threw up that time.
That time was a month or so ago, the night before a dentist appointment to get his cavity filled. He had seemed fine, didn’t have a fever, said his stomach hurt in this one spot, it hurt a lot, he felt like he was going to throw up.
And then he did. He threw up a lot.
At the time I remembered thinking… Hm, interesting timing, the night before a big dentist appointment. But I thought it might have been some sort of flu, though later on he seemed fine and no one else got sick. Still, I didn’t go any further with it.
Until now, when Orlando is so upset, and can’t really sit still, and thinks he is going to throw up but he really, really, really doesn’t want to.
And tomorrow is the day we are going for a day-long visit to the outdoor school, to see if he wants to sign up in the fall.
I sit down with him. We have a big bowl near the bed in case he needs it.
He sits up and says, “I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do it.” His eyes are clenched shut, his mouth filled with distaste, a tear rolls down his cheek.
I am watching him with concern and I ask, “You don’t want to do what? The class? Or throw up?”
“Throw up! Because if I do it, I won’t be able to go tomorrow. Because if you throw up you can’t go but I want to go!”
And then again, “I don’t want to do it!”
“Orlando,” I say, quiet, slow.
I put my arm on him. He relaxes a little bit.
“I’m too cold,” he says, and he tries to pull the covers up.
I suggest that he lie down, and then we are lying down, facing each other.
It’s all come together for me. I admit that perhaps it was obvious all along, but I have an idea now.
“Orlando,” I say, quiet, slow. “Hm. … Are you feeling anything, now, in your body?”
“My stomach hurts. In that spot. You know how your stomach feels” — I immediately notice my own stomach and relax — “when you feel nervous? It’s like that. It hurts in that spot.”
I stay soft in the bed next to him, looking at him, available. He sometimes has his eyes closed and he sometimes opens them.
He says, opening his eyes, “I think it was happening earlier today but I didn’t notice and now it is really telling me!”
“Yeah…” Again, so slow, soft. “It’s telling you. What does it want to tell you?”
“It’s feeling nervous!”
Slow. Soft. “Hm. Nervous. Maybe you could try saying to that part that’s feeling nervous, ‘I see you. I see how nervous you’re feeling.’”
His eyes are closed, and I see it happening but my words are too fast and I ask him even though he’s already done it, “Do you want me to say it for you?”
“No,” he says, eyes still closed. “I already said it, like in my mind.”
I tell him, “Oh, okay, good.”
Slow.
And then, “Did you notice anything after you said it?”
“Notice?” His eyes are closed. He is calm.
Quiet. “Hm, did you notice if anything changed after you said that?”
“Yeah. … It calmed down. It felt a little calmer.”
“Hm. Calmer.”
His eyes are closed, mine are open.
He falls asleep.
The next day he was fine, though awake earlier than usual. He had a good time at our visit and was nearly ecstatic when he heard the order of events (games, fire circle and story, and then adventures) because that is how they already do it in the program he is in.
He kept saying, “I know how it’s going to be! I know it. I know those games.”
It’s enough to practically kill ya, the sweet intensity, the anxiety, the pride, the bigness of their everyday.
I never plan to do Hakomi with the kids but sometimes it just happens. What was Hakomi about this interaction?
- The quiet, quiet, quiet, slowness. So hard to put across in writing.
- Letting the other person lead. Totally. It can be so easy, especially for me as a parent, to fall into concern or worry and to be putting fix-it energy out there rather than offering a quiet receptivity and kind concern.
- The tracking — staying in tune and aware of the other person.
- The contact statements — naming emotions I noticed or that the person has shared, e.g., “Nervous, huh?” “Hm. Some sadness.” “Pretty excited, huh?” (In retrospect, I think I could have been better at reading these cues.)
- Unblending… or using “parts” work (which is adopted from Internal Family Systems). I could have just told Orlando, “I see how nervous you are,” which also might have helped. But by introducing the idea of a part, he is then able to connect and communicate with that part on his own.
- One thing that I didn’t do that is central to Hakomi is having the permission of the other person as we do the work. I think I struck a good balance here by being slow and saying “Maybe you’d like to…” but I want to be more aware of this in the future. For example, I could have said, “I’m wondering if you’d like to check in with your body and see what you notice,” instead of “Do you notice anything in your body?”
There has been a lot with stomachs happening around here lately. I’m just now realizing that I had a big, big connection with my own stomach about a month or so ago.
Also, this happened with Orlando at bedtime of the day that I had spent paying attention to my own stomach.
Funny how that works.
to updates and extras
This is so poignant. Children are such powerful spirits. They really get things so deeply that we, as adults, often pass by. Until they bring it to our attention.
wow! thank you for that wonderful retelling of such a powerful, intense moment.
it is so amzing, so heartening, so uplifting whne we are able to move through those difficulties with such grace, lightness, compassion…
have a lovely week, Stacy
What an amazing process, and what an intuitive momma to be so mindful and aware to help your son through that process. Slow. That is what I have to remember the most. Slow changes everything doesn't it? Thanks for this wonderful reminder
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Really beautiful, and what a great example of how to connect instead of being disappointed. These sensitive kids of ours are such great teachers. My sensitive kid is the one who led us to homeschooling, and then unschooling. I am going to incorporate some of your ideas, they are refreshing and so welcome.
I can only describe this post as absolutely beautiful. Paige is 18, and I have been doing some similar work with her (getting her through those times when she is sure that everything will fail, yet it all works out lovely). Your words have given me some ideas for my own. Thank you. xo
Beautiful on so many levels.
"quiet receptivity and kind concern" this has been big for us lately too- meaning, me trying to be more mindful of being in that frame of mind rather than fix-it mode.
also a lot with my stomach, since your other post. actually before that, i have been noticing it for a while, and having trouble every time i notice it with judging it: "i'm STILL clenching my stomach! and i can't seem to stop doing it! why am i so….?" and, oddly enough, that isn't helping!
trying to move towards accepting/allowing the tension i feel, once i notice it, and let it say what it has to say… this post is helpful (and beautiful and awesome), it reminds me that then i can say something back to it, after i've listened to what it's got to say to me…
I love what you are teaching your children. It's like this quiet lesson you're teaching with very few words and I can see it sinking in very deep.
Thank you so much, everyone… I am feeling really touched and filled up that this resonates with you all. I feel so grateful to have found Hakomi, it is hard for me not to want to shout from the rooftops about it! I am glad that at least some of its wonder came through in this short piece.
I feel so grateful to my teachers, who have modeled and given me Hakomi. It has been a long time drinking it in before I was able to do it for myself a little bit, and now for the kids, every once in a while.
Blessings ~~
s
Seeking permission (regardless of what it is) is such an important way to model respect. We practice Reiki in our home (Isaac too) and it's the same sort of thing – if Isaac was feeling ill it would be easy to just "give Reiki" but it's so important to ask for permission because, I believe, that a person knows what they need…what will work and won't work, and if we just go ahead and do it…without checking in, there is a missed opportunity to model respect which I think can be so rich.
What blessed kids you have, to have you as their mama. Another VERY inspiring piece. xo
Sweet boy. And smart mama. I have a very intense boy and we have to talk things through, visualize how it will be, what might happen, how it will go…any time it is new and big. Or even just different than routine. If we skip it, it always goes downhill and he gets upset that we didn't "manage it right". You have found a powerful and mindful way to model and mirror that for him. It reminds me of when I used to nurse for naps when he was little (baby to toddler), and noticed that even when perfectly still & quiet if my mind was busy he wouldn't fall asleep, but if I stilled my mind he would noticeably relax and fall asleep. I love that.
Love this, Staci! Would you please forward me local resources for Hakomi? I need to check into it. vicki@pettiross.com
Vicki
Stacy, do you have a favourite Hakomi resource to offer? I watch myself be reactive or too emotional in similar situations with my son, Liam, and I want and need a better way for him.
xo
Ahhh. I was completely riveted by this post. Excellent.
On the asking permission thing…I'm mixed. I think as a mother I asked permission too much sometimes. Sometimes it just makes a bigger deal out of it. Here's my take on it these days: they came to me so I would be their mom. that's my permission. I try to keep it light by just doing my thing and not drawing attention to it.
What does that feel like to you? I don't feel like I'm DISrespecting my kids, just not creating drama where it need not be. This is simply another perspective on it. Because the way your moment unfolded felt intuitive to me and asking permission would have taken it into a really different space.
@ Rebecca – I agree that there is something organic happening and that I wouldn't want to jar us out of that space. I guess it's more a point of reflection for me, as someone who is beginning my training as a therapist.
Though as Debbie said I wouldn't my kids to feel as though they were having hakomi done to them. And I would like to respect the nature of the practice while, as you say, respecting our relationship as parent and child.
I think I struck a good balance in this case but I wanted to share about seeking explicit permission because I feel a responsibility to give as complete a picture of Hakomi as I can, and because this is something I am learning about in this context.
Thank you for furthering the conversation and helping me explore it more.
I love this because it validates what comes naturally – when I relax enough to stay in touch with that. Everyone else in my child's life tends to rush in with "what what what? does your x y z….hurt? oh no…" I can see that this only confuses him more to where he can't describe his experience which may or may not be so bad.
this was very powerful to read. thank you.
~erin
@natalie — I am not sure what area you are in, but there are a few ways you can find someone local…
http://www.hakomiinstitute.com — directory of practitioners
http://www.hakomiway.ca/find_pract.htm — also a directory
You could google your city name and hakomi and show what shows up. If you’re comfortable telling me your area, I might be able to find a recommendation for you.
If there is no one in your area, something else of interest might be Focusing –- this is a method of accessing present moment, embodied experience. Hakomi incorporates it as part of its practice — the part where Orlando was checking in with stomach was focusing-inspired.
http://focusing.org/
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/focusing
I hope this helps!
@cypress sun — yes! "what comes naturally"
Love your description and the obvious relief, peace at bringing non-judgmental attention, welcoming, and inquiry to the sensations. I am seeing that Hakomi is very similar to the process I use with sensations and introspection. Neat. Thank you.
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[...] They are my angels, modeling to me so much, how to relax into time, how to trust inner truth, how to go with the flow; and they are teaching me, literally, how to do the work of Hakomi. [...]