Today while getting dressed in the morning to head out to Spanish class, Mica was facing me as I knelt down beside him and he kept standing up right there in front of me and taking his little fists and pressing one on each side of my jaw. I could see the effort in his face, his grimace, the determination.
“No talking, Mama. No talking.”
I know how to take a hint.
So I was quiet.
I didn’t even want to hear the things I was saying. So I didn’t talk when finishing up getting him dressed. I brought him his boots. I lifted them up so he could see them. He agreed and put his feet in. And so on.
I didn’t talk while we were getting in the car. I didn’t talk while we were driving. I noticed my stomach, whether or not it was relaxed. I noticed what my mind was doing — worrying, planning, thinking. I noticed my stomach, and let it relax.
We got to Spanish class and Mica burst into tears when he took his coat off because he still had his pajama top on (which he had told me he wanted to wear).
I held him while he cried and told me he wanted to go home.
I asked him if he was so surprised when he took off his coat and saw his jammies. If he had forgotten and now changed his mind.
He nodded and cried and cried and told me that he wanted to go home.
I asked him if he wanted to get a new shirt at home and he said yes.
I told him I wasn’t willing to drive home.
He cried and cried and I wiped away a tear and he told me, crying more tears, “Don’t wipe my tears! I don’t want you to wipe my tears!”
I noticed my stomach, how it was tense, and let it relax.
I held him and asked him if he wanted to borrow a shirt from our friends (our class is in our friend’s home).
He said no. I thought about how we were keeping class from starting. I worried about how to solve the situation. I noticed my stomach, it was feeling worried, and then I let it relax.
I spoke softly and told him how comfy and wonderful those jammies are, at least to me, and that I’ve seen lots of kids wearing them — the same ones — out of the house, at the store, at the park, at their friends’ houses.
He shook his head, swatted at me, and cried. Doesn’t matter.
I told him I was going to ask our friend for a shirt and he didn’t protest, but then when she brought him one he yelled and threw it and said, “No!”
I said, “No, thank you” to our friend.
She brought another shirt, and the same thing.
He nursed. He and I sat together. I noticed my stomach. I noticed my thoughts. I noticed us sitting together.
And then he was done, and he wanted to read books.
He kept his pajamas on, for the second time that day.
After eating lunch and playing with our friends at Spanish class, we were in the car on our way to acrobat class and Mica told me he was hungry.
I had one apple to offer and I handed it to him and Orlando said he wanted to have bites too and they started saying “You had two bites! That’s enough! Give it back to me.” and “I want it!” and “You’ve had it too long!” and “You’re eating it all!”
And I remembered about not talking. And I remembered about focusing on things that feel good, so I thought to myself, “I am happy that my kids have so much good food to eat. I am happy they have this apple to eat. That we have this abundance.”
Mica said, “Here you go, brother,” and handed him the apple.
And then they were fighting again and I thought, “Jeez-Louise!” and then I thought, “I bet that apple tastes delicious. I am so happy my children have it.”
I didn’t say anything for once, and for once I didn’t say, “Stop fighting over that stupid apple!”
When we arrived at acrobat class, Mica handed me the core.
I said, “Thank you.”
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Wow! So present and mindful. I love your description of the events. Tomorrow when I start to get stressed I'll remember you and notice my stomach. Thanks!
I think you have hit on a very important thought. (Sometimes I go way deep…) BUT, what if we are the whole issue within our children's issues. You clearly held some sort of piece of the puzzles here in both situations. If we can show peace within ourselves and trust…then our children will have the tools needed to be okay. It's like one of those topics where if we were in person I might be able to talk to you for hours about this…thanks for the inspiration…losening our stomaches can be such a great mama tool to practice.
@mamawestwind — thank you! I, of course, had my moments, especially later at home – “Get out of the kitchen!” – when I forgot my stomach… But yes, there were these moments, too. So present and mindful. For just those.
@earthmama — When I first read your comment, I thought you wrote, “if we were in prison I might be able to talk to you for hours about this.” And I though I would spend hours in prison with you anytime!
But now I see what you really meant. I would also willingly spend hours with you in person!
Yes, what if we were the whole issue within our children’s issues? And what if we valued children’s well-being above all else? I think we would then have to do nothing short of valuing humanity (our emotional lives) and the interconnectedness of us all. And by us all, I mean everything.
Have you read Mindsight by Daniel Siegel? You might really like it.
Stopping ourselves in mid-response or, even better, before the words come out, is often so hard in the moment. And so rewarding to us once we see we have actually done it. Thank you for sharing how you navigated through a tough situation. I hope you have an easier day today.
oh my do I relate to this post. It has taken me a long time to just breath through these kind of moments. But it's a good thing I get so much practice
. Had quite a bit of practice again yesterday in fact. I feel that it is getting easier though, and could it be that the duration of these moments are actually getting shorter? Could it be that they are actually starting to vocalize about and anticipating their own tough moments? I daresay, yes, I do think so 
.
i can't think of a time when i have chosen silence and regretted it (in my interactions with my kids) but i can think of many times when i have forgotten silence and let words flow out that held little truth or meaning and regretted it deeply.
recently z. (who is 2.5) has been having some very intense crying/screaming reactions to life and i often respond by trying to silence her. i want to fix it, i want her to stop, i want everything to be ok and then they seem to roll on and on. one day after reading a natural parenting center post on empathy i tried just sitting down next to her and saying, "you are crying. it is ok."
oh my word, it felt so good. and honestly she was through it in about one minute.
sometimes i wish i remembered these things more often in the moment!
thank you for continually reminding me with your posts
Hi Stacy!!
I LOVE this post (as i love all of your mindful parenting posts). It's been really challenging for me lately to stay present with the boys. Your post is a wonderful reminder how to do it. Thank you for sharing.
all my best
cyndi
Oh how I wish I could spend hours in person with you too.
This is such an important reminder for me right now as I (personally) struggle to accept something that is far bigger than I can ever comprehend. I'm exhausted and it takes all I have to not lose it. Tomorrow I will remember to check in with my stomach…and my face and my fists – all the places I notice tightness. Thank you dear friend. xoxo
Yes this is lovely and so where I am at. I am amazed at the healing from just naming how I feel and letting it go.
Thank you for posting this.
@Tonia — thank you! your comment reminded me that letting go really means allowing. Does it feel that way to you?
@debbiedas — oh, i hear that something big is happening for you. sending you love and gentleness.
@woowoomama — yep, exactly! "i can't think of a time when i have chosen silence and regretted it (in my interactions with my kids)" this is sticking with me!
@MJ — yes, yay for our vocal and in-touch kids! so grateful…
@Andrea — thank you. that is sweet. yesterday was easier. we were in the woods all day.
Beautiful. Well managed. It is so great not wasting energy on anger, over-reaction and frustration. We always feel so much more in control and peaceful. Your children are very fortunate to have you as their teacher. Thank you for sharing these interactions. Love Katie x
katie – And I am very fortunate to have them as mine!
And to share this path with so many of you.
xo,
s
Firstly, nice to meet you.
Secondly, the core, eh?
Thirdly, whenever I've let my two-year old opt out of getting dressed and wear his jammies anywhere, he's not a bit self-conscious about it. But when he breaks down and demands num-nums, it's lately because he actually needs to pee. This is completely random information about my son, and has nothing to do, really, with your post.
Fourthly, I have no point to make here other than, nice to meet you!
I have been wishing to stop by again after a hiatus from blog-land and my first post to pop in on was the perfect reminder. So much so that I shared a link to it today on my link-share post. Thank you for your concrete example, fine detail and inspiration. It's so incredibly helpful to have other parents out that that help us grow towards being better parents ourselves.
Thank you, Stacy. Beautiful. And real. I learn so much from your stories.