Sometimes I feel so filled with impatience. With irritation. With resistance.
Sometimes I can find a way to accept those feelings and I soften.
Sometimes I remain in the grip of it and simply try my best to shut up.
Sometimes I try my best and still don’t shut up.
Thus, the other morning, I came down hard on Orlando. I was in the kitchen getting breakfast ready.
Mica had been playing with the stuffed animals. Lately, he carries the entire basket all around the house and spends close to an hour, setting them up, talking for them, arranging them, bouncing them, walking them. Orlando was in a fidgety mood and going from one thing to the next. He came over to Mica and helped himself to the game, picking up animals and moving them, etc. Of course, Mica protested. I was irritated and could sense a big story flashing through my mind: “Orlando is so pushy. He always has to be the center of attention.” It was subtle and quick.
I ignored it. I helped the kids work out the stuffed toy thing (Mica would give Orlando the tiger when he was done with his game). Then Orlando went off and I kept cooking and then he came back and started playing with Mica, except the game he was playing was, “And then this guy comes in and kills that guy and that other guy kills him….”
There was another big story flashing through my mind, one that I can barely even articulate but it is something like: “Why so much violence and domination? How can it be so pervasive that it’s somehow normal for tiny kids to play it out over and over and over?” But even that is more words than usually flash. What usually comes in the moment is “Violence violence violence. Domination domination domination. Despair despair despair.“
And I said, “Orlando! Leave your brother alone!” And Orlando stopped playing and looked at me, yet I didn’t stop.
I said, “He was playing perfectly fine before you came along!”
And still I didn’t stop, “Why do you have to make everything so violent? He is only three years old!”
And Orlando said, “It’s my fault.”
And then my heart broke a little because I ask you, What am I doing? What exactly am I doing here?
But I still felt mad and I was not ready and I stood in the kitchen making french toast feeling the tsunami of self-loathing coming up and I asked myself, “How am I suffering in this moment?” and “How can I end suffering in this moment?” and I held on to the edge of the sink and noticed all the moments of this morning… irritation, impatience, resistance, sadness, remorse, and desperation.
And I thought about how I’m wanting calm and support, and hope, and space, and searching for solutions (what exactly do I do and where do I go to save my children from my bad-mood self?) and eventually I let go of the edge and I served breakfast, and then we got ready to go.
The kids had dentist appointments.
In the car on the way to the dentist, the hardness had left me, and I asked Orlando, “Wanna do a do-over?”
He nodded.
Okay.
“Oh man, when I see you playing that violent game with Mica, I feel sad! I was enjoying how Mica was creating his own game… ” I realized I was not really sure what my request was… I don’t want to ban violent games… I just wanted to turn back time and have him not interrupt Mica’s game. That’s not such a realistic request. Hm… I ventured, “Would you be willing to let Mica finish his own game?”
Orlando said, “Okay, Mama.” {I sometimes worry about this one’s “good boy” tendencies…}
But then Mica said, “But I like brother’s game!”
I couldn’t help but laugh.
Orlando said, “Mama, I’m sorry I maked you mad when I played that game.”
Here we go.
“Orlando, thank you for apologizing, but I don’t think you made me mad. Those are my own feelings about the game. You’re not responsible for making my feelings… You did an action in the world, but my feelings were already inside me. They just came out after your action. I’m the one who’s sorry — I’m sorry that I spoke so harshly to you, Orlando.”
Mica said, “I’m done playing the violent game!”
I had to laugh again, and then I said, “I know that you guys play all kinds of games, and that they’re not always violent or good guys/bad guys. Sometimes I feel sad when you play the violent games, but I know that the game won’t last forever. So, next time, I’d like to take some time to feel my feelings and not act out my anger.”
And then Orlando said, “Yeah, because some day we won’t even be playing in the house. Someday when I am much, much older, like a teenager, I will be out with my friends playing… soccer… and doing… other things.”
I marveled at where he went with this thought… soccer, teenager, everything changing.
Soccer sounds good to me. 
As for the “other things” he’ll be doing, I suppose we’ll be back right where we were that morning, and how will I approach the things I don’t like? The things I don’t want to forbid but that irritate me?
I’m sure I’ll be doing plenty of do-overs… but maybe in ten years, while I’ll likely still be “losing it” now and again, is it possible that I, too, might be doing “other things”? Could I also grow and change in ten years?
Yes, I think so.
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I can't tell you how much I appreciate your blog. I so value your honesty in raising your boys. It is so comforting to know I'm not the only holding onto the edge of the kitchen sink and attempting to breathe…and often failing. Thank you Stacy for your undeniable inspiration.
Would love to chat one-on-one about NVC. I struggle so. xo debbmjAThotmailDOTcom
Oh thank you! I am too grateful for your honesty & your blog…..I too have those holding on at the edge moments…….I love the idea of a do – over! x
I 'third' the appreciation for your honesty, and can so relate. I am really struggling right now with my son, my buttons are getting 'triggered' a lot in interactions with him (I first wrote "he has really been pushing my buttons", but in the spirit of your post re-thought that phrasing.) Somehow I end up in these 'no-win' power struggles with him over silly things, and have to really stop and figure out 'how did we get here?' And I can relate to this struggle re: violent games, and many other things – for my eldest daughter it is Barbies!! Ugh!! (Karen Miller at Cheerio Road who I know you are also a fan of wrote a brilliant piece on the Dharma of Barbie awhile back that I try and remember…)
Anyway, thanks again!
Gee whiz this sounds familiar. Yesterday morning the girls were squabbling a lot. Tension. Then we went out to the grocery store and the garage door was open — had been open all night and the girls had been the ones out there last. Fear for what could have happened and bam. Blame. Get to the grocery store and I see my oldest again scrunching up her shoulders, cold, not dressed warmly as usual. Boy did I let her have it because I was embarassed about the baboushkas thinking I wasn't taking care of her (an issue I've had for years).
In the end we talked about solving the problem (shopping trip for new sweaters), the concept of building a big tower out of blocks and how it will topple over if you don't stop and build a better foundation around the bottom of it (build up of anger without taking the time out I should have taken after the garage door incident), and reassurance that my fear and anger are caused only by me and not anyone else — just like your example.
Oh and we also acknowledged that it is entirely my responsibility, as the adult in the house, to make sure that garage door is closed.
This is a beautiful and yes "honest" post…being a parent (being a human, but especially being a parent) is really tricky at times. I find myself hitting the re-do button often with my girls, with my husband…it is the only reasonable solution because we think things, they somehow escape our lips and although we can't take the words/thoughts/emotions back…we can contemplate them once they have been released…we can try to contemplate them before they come out, but that isn't always possible…so once they are out…dialoguing..figuring it out together…as opposed to letting it sit there like blame or undefined anger/annoyance…this is how we all grow and change. Your boys will grow and change and of course you will too…and in the meantime you are guiding each other with love and appreciation. Your boys are so blessed to have you for their Mamma and you are doubly blessed to have these sensitive wise souls as your sons.
I found your blog through the recent blog thread on the API group and I really love it. This post in particular has given me much to think about. Our son is just 2.5 years old and we have always tried to be gentle and respectful with him but I have found myself getting so frustrated as he has become more and more of a toddler. What you talk about in this post (and in some of the others you linked back to) makes so much sense to me. So thank you! Oh and your boys are so sweet!
Wonderful blog. Thank you for your honesty.
I like the way you paint the interaction. I can feel your grip on the sink, and the letting yourself slip and go on with the frustration…and the spiraling difficulty of it all. I love the honesty and respect involved in the do-over. Lucky kids; lucky you!
great heartfelt post, such a wonderful chronicling of what is going on for you, in you, step by step and how you experienced it. Wonderful, skillful parenting, what a gift to your children to view the full range of your feelings and thoughts and how to work with what comes up. I love the "do-over" A lot of us adults could use this!
Hi there,I've just discovered your lovely blog and look forward to reading more…
Brightest Blessings
Gina x
Hi,
I recently came across your wonderful blog and wanted to pass the beautiful blogger award on to you – hope that's ok! The link is here – http://mummyslearning2.blogspot.com/2010/03/being-relatively-new-to-blog-world-i.html
I can't wait to read more of your blog!
Much Love
Amelia.
Other things. They are always onto other things, while we are back processing the thing that is long gone.
Mirrors, my friend, east to west and back again.
xoxo
To remain mindful of another's feelings even while experiencing yours is such a powerful concept to share/learn/teach! Thank you!!
And, I just finished reading both of your birth stories, and wanted to tell you how beautiful they both are!
Love the do-over you share here.
Great post.
drop me a line anytime: solodotmom@gmail.com
I know it wasn't really the point of your post, but your feelings toward the violent games struck me because I have been reading about this in Playful Parenting. The author, a child psychologist, says that they don't play these games because they are violent themselves, but because they are working through their feelings in a way that feels safe to them. I know that makes me feel a lot better about this sort of thing.
Hey everyone — thank you for the comments!!
@lisa c: I wanted to take the chance to follow-up more on the violence thing…
I agree with Lawrence Cohen (author of Playful Parenting) about kids using play to work out their understanding of life, and I don’t believe in forbidding certain types of play just because it seems violent to me.
My issue with the violent games isn’t that I think it means I have violent kids, but rather that I mourn the fact that domination and violence are so ingrained in our society that they are played out around us at all times, even by very young children.
I see my kids’ play as a conversation about this violence, but I still mourn and yearn for a different world. I feel sad that they (we) don’t have as many ready stories/books/characters, etc. to draw on as models for cooperation, partnership, respect, and problem-solving, and I try to bring that into our lives by using those skills myself and by providing books and information about real-life peacemakers.
But there are times I feel completely overwhelmed and at a loss. The biggest irony is that I have my own internalized patterns of domination and when I am triggered (by feeling helpless about the whole domination thing!) I can easily resort to wanting to externally control (i.e., dominate) another. Thus, my whole quest to find a more peaceful path…
A really amazing book about domination versus partnership thinking is The Chalice and the Blade by Riane Eisler. It covers the history of humankind, beginning before civilization, to uncover how society became overtaken by a dominator paradigm, though vestiges of more peaceful worldview remain. It is really a wonderful book of hope.
Speaking of books, if you like Playful Parenting, you might also like Under Deadman’s Skin: Discovering the Meaning of Children’s Violent Play by Jane Katch. Another great book about play is Vivian Gussey Paley’s You Can’t Say You Can’t Play.
I’ve written about play and violence before on my blog here…
Playing with Imaginary Guns (with links to online articles about violence and play)
My Son's Weapon of Choice
Fantastic Things Live in this Box!
Godza!
Thanks again, Lisa, for your comment!
Stacy -
) I was telling my close friend that I don't listen or much care what others have to say regarding violence and video games, that I have to listen to my own spirit and what makes sense to me.
I've read this a couple of times, and am finally coming to comment.
Being of the mind that my role in being a home educating mother is not 'to train' my children, but to raise them holistically – I follow the idea that "to educate" means to bring out the best and genius of themselves. Not for my own satisfaction, but in order for them to better create beautifully the best lives they imagine for themselves.
I also do not believe that I have the right to say them nay on what that genius is or how it looks to someone else– including myself.
So, for the most part, I do not judge and condemn. (Also something that I strive to practice in the whole of my life and my relationship with the world around me.)
So, violence?
Just a couple of days ago (which is probably why I came back to read this afterward
What you wrote here,
"My issue with the violent games isn’t that I think it means I have violent kids, but rather that I mourn the fact that domination and violence are so ingrained in our society that they are played out around us at all times, even by very young children." so articulated my feelings on this.
Along with the fact that I do not choose to pretend that playing at extreme violence is not harmful for the consciousness of our planet. I do not mean pretending pirates or star wars, and working out problems and imaginations, but rather something that is intended to train us to be soldiers and desensitize us to the pain of war and hurting others. Maybe to others there is no difference, and a pretend sword fight is the same as stomping on someone's head in a realistic video game, but to me such things are much to much. If I carry around a black pit of ickiness with me for a few weeks, it's a pretty good indication that that was something that I should not have seen and want no part of.
Maybe if people would get to their centers, (which were calibrated early on), then we wouldn't have so much tolerance of violence, and think it was harmless?
THe only thing I can use to judge a situation or circumstance is how I myself am really feeling about it when centered, and coming from Spirit.
And that's the place where I will derive my Truth, and will make no apologies for it.
Philosophically I believe that there really is no "good" or "bad", that it just Is what It Is, but I also know that we (as parts of the All) are free to accept or change things as we see fit.
So I do.
Thanks for the thoughts, and the opportunity to get my own straight.
Stephanie
The depth and breadth of your consciousness in parenting is breathtaking to me. I can only aspire. And I do.
I come back here alot to remember and be reminded of the way that I would like to be doing this. My boy is almost one – and the 'real' communication is about to begin. I've already needed several do-overs..I'm grateful to read about yours.
this is so familiar…my girls are teens now, …and even now with years of mindfulness practice and watching them work things through on their own…I step over the line with MY intrusive feelings…and then I remember, I return, I soften, we do the 'do overs" and begin again. That's the practice…begin again and again with compassion to all involved…there is no end point, no perfection…just opportunities to try and try again to soften and trust and love what is…including or uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
I like that you explained to him that he didn't make your feelings. I'll have to use that the next time (because, of course, there will be a next time) I get angry with my 4 yr old.
I love your blog. I have twin boys. It's fun reading about others kiddos. Let's me know I'm not alone!
http://www.rebeccabany.com