On the last day of the decade, we walked a labyrinth at a nearby church.
We arrived around seven-thirty… my kids were immediately drawn in to the nave, which was lit with candles and filled with lilting, medieval-sounding music. There was a deep feeling of reverence in the room, and a subtle festive feel, too. People were sitting, standing, praying, talking quietly. We saw two families we knew (unexpectedly).
We stashed our coats on a pew and set our shoes underneath it, and we began.
I had read that a traditional way of walking labyrinths is to ask a question on the way in, and to be open to receiving an answer on the way out. We walked, all four together, along the canvas curves of the labyrinth. I hadn’t prepared a question ahead of time, but I found myself silently asking, “Will I be Love?”
As we walked, Mica suddenly told us, “I don’t want to walk near anybody!” and he set off on his own. He shuffled his feet along the curves, hopping from one path to the next, shouldering past people’s knees, and rounding the corners with determination.
Rom and I gave each other looks, “Is this okay?” We didn’t know. No one seemed too upset by it, and he was being quiet. He was walking the labyrinth.
He was walking the labyrinth like a manic, not-napping three-year-old approaching bedtime, but he was walking it.
Many people smiled. Even so, inside of me there were many voices, all talking at once.
“No one else’s child is walking around willy-nilly. He should be next to you, walking calmly.”
“I’m worried about other people’s experiences, perhaps it’s best to ask him to stop walking.”
“Mica is a person, too, walking the labyrinth just like everyone else, in his own way.”
I spent most of my walk toward the center feeling uncertain… dispersed… I was taking in Mica’s state of being, feeling sensitive to his autonomy; I was concerned for others and watching for their reactions; I was listening to my own internal voices and noticing my emotional responses.
Finally, I went to Mica, knelt down next to him and said, “Mica, I am worried about you disturbing other people. Go with Papa and he will sit with you.” I felt soft but clear. He said, “No,” and kept walking. (He felt soft and clear, too.)
I told him again, and he said, “No, no, keep walking.” Rom and I looked at each other, the same way as when we knew Mica was gonna get born right then and there without the midwives, and we chose to let Mica be. I heard a woman say, “Your son is bringing delight to this space.”
I stepped back onto the canvas, and joined Orlando where he had been waiting for me. Mica walked his Mica-way while Orlando and I arrived at the center. We stood there with our hands in namaste, and I laughed a little because here I was: mothering and spirituality, all mingled in the middle.
We rested there. I bowed, and then I turned to walk out.
I walked the turns of the labyrinth and I chose to stop watching Mica on his wild ride. I walked the turns of the labyrinth and I chose to trust that when I was needed, I would know. I walked the turns of the labyrinth and I felt pleasure from the cool canvas beneath my feet, right here and now. I walked the turns of the labyrinth, next to Orlando, encircled by Mica, glimpsing Rom standing like a sentinel at the start.
I remembered my question, “Will I be Love?”
It would be easy to say there were two answers, that to let him walk was loving and to stop him was not. But that wasn’t how it was for me. As I walked the turns of the labyrinth, back to the beginning, I felt everything blooming inside me: This is love. All of it. Trying one thing and then another, walking, listening, seeing. Being present… Finding my way.
Will I be Love?
Will I let Love be?
This is love: All of us together, jumbled up in a cavernous room, our paths softly lit, our bodies mingling, creating patterns punctuated by calm and chaos, reverence and delight, confusion and clarity, division and unity, and blessed by the turning of the year.
to updates and extras
This is such a familiar experience for me, Stacy (down to the labyrinth, albeit an outdoors one) – your thoughts are so well articulated, those simultaneous rushes of feelings – protective of your child, wanting to make sure everyone else is feeling comfortable and having the experience they need…thanks again for sharing this…
your posts are so inspiring.
there is a labyrinth in a town nearby…
i would love to walk it someday
Sounded like a beautiful family bond experience.
You have inspired me to find one nesr me in NJ.:-)
Oh, I loved this post! Thank you so much for sharing. Isn't that the truth! It's not so much about what is right or wrong, but finding your way. Allowing myself to find my way parenting has relieved me from so much parental pressure and guilt.
Beautifully written!
I would have felt the same things – worrying about others experiences, wondering if what he was doing was okay.
What a beautiful gift she gave you with her words. Peace from her acceptance. A chance to breath and enjoy and appreciate the moments. I think I would've hugged her.
Yeah for the labrynth walk! It is so powerful, isn't it? I love to hear what the experience is like for others.
I really tuned in to what you were saying about your child. When I am in spaces like that I am so aware of how others receive children. And I am quite sensitive about it. I have been in some very unwelcoming settings (not labrynth walks but other sacred places), and I was so glad to hear the experience was such a welcoming one.
Also really appreciating your meditation: Will I be Love? Something to contemplate.
Thanks for sharing such a sacred moment with us.
Peace, Nicki
this was lovely…and so compassionate…on one level with three very rambunctious kids i can so relate to this questioning process, this balancing of their freedom and consideration for others, this dialogue is so common for me, maybe even daily, in stores, parks, you name it…almost as much as where you arrived at i loved the women who told you mica was bringing delight to the space…how wonderful…i hope i am that woman in 2010, and i hope i can be love also
Oh – this brought tears – well, mist!
Last night my wild child 4 yr old granddaughter & I went to 'Ecstatic Dance' (kids are totally welcome, & the facilitator's 18 mo old granddaughter is also a Regular) & it was so delightful to (at times) observe Kayleen dancing her own dance! SO present, so engaged . . . & (being grandma) me dancing mine – checking in occ to be sure all was OK – she ASKS if I'm dancing (& if it's a 'grown up dance' – Square dance – tho also kid friendly, is 'boring' – her own dance? WAY more fun!)
In the mid 90s I participated in a summer 'peace camp' that included a kids' mini labyrinth walk, done in chalk on the grass. I was with the 'littles' as they traversed it late in the day (two other groups had gone first), mostly following the path.
The gal who'd 'drawn' the labyrinth came with her small dog, who, nose down, also walked the path, staying within the lines, as we adults gazed on in awe! Now, logically, he smelled the most taken path (the circuit) but . . . . & the kids hardly noticed!
Thanks for sharing this, & reminding me of that place beyond the ordinary!
What a beautiful post.
I so relate. I have a very exuberant, independent son. His cheery wildness often delights others and puts me "on guard." I am so often asking that question: "is this behavior okay, here. Now?" I don't want to squelch his zest, and yet there are others to think of. I like how you let your heart guide you in the moment.
What an thoughtful post. I'm so with you, as my eldest, also a boy, creates these moments for you – in life he likes to walk his own path, and whilst I want with all my heart to respect and enable that, there are times when I get caught up in the "what will people think" questions, and the "is he annoying people" concerns. I try to be mindful mostly of his experience and the latter question and leave aside my own fear of judgement from others, but it isnt always easy. What a delightful comment from that other lady.
chuckle, the mama labyrinth walk.
Lovely, very compassionate to your Self. So many would answer that love had only one expression here, to let him do his thing. Love the softness.
Thank you for this post. What a wonderful example of waiting and listening instead of reacting to each question you posed yourself. I've struggled in the opposite many times. Love is presence. I'm striving to be present.
Thanks for sharing, I have had that experience trying to balance the control and the freedom of my children to explore and learn good for you to recognize that if you let love be you will be love very powerful!
You my dear most certainly are love…and love will follow you, surround you, fill you where ever you let love be.
[...] then Mica did want to walk the labyrinth, and Rom let him down and Mica started zooming all over in his signature labyrinth style. Not running but not walking. Concentrating. He does his own thing. I walked with him as much as I [...]
[...] gift each. We also began to celebrate Solstice, and then a couple of years ago, along came the labyrinth walk on New Year’s [...]
[...] season. Along with St. Nicholas’ Day earlier this month, and our upcoming New Year’s labyrinth walk (and releasing ceremony), I am feeling really good about our [...]