The weekend before last Mica cried, on and off, for at least four hours.
We were coming home from spending Fourth of July weekend at my parents’ house, which is a two-hour drive north of us. We had had a lovely time with my parents and my brother and his family (though we missed having my sister and her family there!).
The kids beachcombed, waded in the water, swam in the kiddie pool, played golf, baseball, and soccer. They watched fireworks, the kid kind and the BIG kind…
On Sunday, Mica was running on about four hours less sleep than usual — he went to bed late and got up early. There is so much to do! Then, on the way home he woke up from his nap when we lurched to a stop in traffic, after less than hour after he fell asleep.
And he began to fuss and cry and beg me to unbuckle his carseat.
I empathized with him, but he wasn’t feeling any better or calmer (and I was feeling tense), so we pulled over at a gas station, nursed, used the bathroom, bought some barely passable snacks, and took a break in the air-conditioned space.
He seemed to be perked up, so we drove again, but the cycle of crying, empathizing, and then seeming okay but crying again continued until we finally made it home.
Once we were home, Mica continued to vaccilate:
I want to go upstairs! I want to go downstairs!
In fact, I think we were all feeling a little like that. Rom kept trying to distract him from crying, which would work, but only for a short amount of time. I kept trying to be present with him, but then I would end up just needing to walk away because I was becoming so tense about the crying.
In the midst of all this wavering, we made dinner…
Finally, I concentrated on eating my own dinner, after which I felt better (mama: apply your oxygen mask first). Mica still fussed and stopped. I would hold him. Rom would hold him. Every once in a while, I would offer him food, which he refused.
Finally, I sat down as Mica wandered around the living room, crying. His crying wasn’t sobbing, more like a deep fussing.
I reached out for him, and held him firm-gentle: “Mica, your body is out of balance, and Mama and Papa are here to help you. I can help you get centered.” We came together, and he sat in my lap while I started breathing deeply. I have this very vague visualization of myself as a vessel — like my hands are turned up and my body is broad, with my child within this soft space.
I told him, “Mica, inside of you you have a good place. It’s called your center. And right now we are going to find that good place inside you. That good place knows how to take care of you… it can tell you what your body needs. Maybe you need to sleep or maybe you need to eat.”
“No, I not hunny!”
“That’s okay, we’ll wait and see what your good place has to say.” And I continued to sit there and breathe while I held him in my lap, with me murmuring every once in a while about his center and taking care of himself. We sat like that for a few minutes, and then he said, “I want to eat dinner.”
So we walked over to the dinner he had cast aside and he sat on my lap while he ate the whole thing. And after that he was still a very tired child, but he was no longer a spiraling out of control child.
He had found a good place.
* * Read a post about me helping Orlando get centered while we were at the park. * *
* * For other posts about empathy and connecting, see Sibling Apology (I added three bonus links to the end of that post!!) * *
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Fantastic, Stacy! I am learning so much from you. Boy, have I ever had days like that with Lucas, and it seems nothing works to console him. I have tried to hold him while grounding my own energy to help him feel more grounded, but you took it further with your calm talk of listening to the good place in his own body and the message it wants to tell him. I'll try this next time we're in a similar situation. I'm sure it will be soon.
Thanks!
Alexis
what a beautiful post stacy! thank you so much for sharing this.
Boy are you filling me up these days. thank you so much.
BTW ani and i were having a struggle last night about walking to our garden and i finally explained that i was frustrated b/c it was my responsibility to take good care of the garden and i wasn't able to when we fought and couldn't get there and this small voice said, Mama, you aren't taking good care of me.
Wow. I was totally stunned, and it was all i needed to gain a totally clear perspective on what was happening. How did I get so lucky…
I really liked how you handled this situation; right now I am reading Mindful Mothering, which helps guide mothers to parenting from their centers . . . to be aware of the actions and movements that we are (and are observing). I love that you brought your son to his awareness, to himself.
What a great example! It can be so hard helping our little ones but the effort is so worth it.
what a beautiful example of being present. i read thru some of your linked posts (jumping from one to another – i love that you link so many!) and i especially loved reading about the love in the pocket and the feelings of tension about crying. why is it that crying so affects us as parents? it's a hard cycle to break, for sure.
~Tara
just found you via wish studio…lovely blog. i admire your approach here. i am attempting to do similar with my son who spirals out of control like this so it was nice to read about how it worked for you. i will have to try. many thanks
warmly, s
I like this idea. I will definitely be trying it with my sometimes uber whiny 3 year old.
Stacy, I learn so much from your story sharing. I really like the idea of finding the center. My children usually ask me to hold them or grab my hand in those moments. I like the gentle words and phrases you use. Thanks, Nicki.
I loved reading this, Stacy. We deep breathe and try to ground ourselves when this happens too, and children have such a natural way of surrendering into it. I learn so much from them. And from you!
wow, Stacy. Victory!
I loved this.
Beautiful. I needed to read this today.
[...] The main thing about time-in is that it is an energy thing. If I take the time to chill a little bit and don’t put my focus on correcting or trying to stop my kid’s behavior, I usually have a much greater chance getting through to and connecting with him; and he has an easier time resetting to his own center (and thus the “misbehavoirs” fall away). Here are a few examples of what time-in looks like around here: Sibling Apology and The Good Place. [...]