Yesterday morning, I was downstairs putting clothes in the dryer when I heard Orlando yell out. “Aaaaaahhhh! Mama! Come here, I need you right now!”
I yelled that I was coming and he said it again, “Mama, I need you right now!!”
I ran up the stairs and into the living room, where I saw Orlando standing in front of Mica, holding his hand in a fist, ready to punch him. Orlando was crying and he said, “Mama, I need you to help me right now! Mica hurt me and I am going to hit him!!”
I scooped Orlando up – saying to him, “I am so glad you asked me for help, Boo” – and we went into the bathroom and sat on the stool. We have been working on him asking me for help (and me following through) when he feels like he wants to hurt Mica, and I was surprised, and so grateful, that he did it.
I held him in my arms and he told me, “Mica threw the knight at me and it really hurt me, and I worked so long to make it and now it is all apart and I feel so angry and I was going to hit him!”
“I know, you’re disappointed, and your body hurts. You feel angry!”
“I worked so long to make it!”
And so it went, as we wound down, him telling me and me reflecting back, until he hopped off my lap and said, “It’s okay, I can make the knight again.” I felt so tingly and alive that I had had the presence of mind (and heart) to hold whatever was going on for him. All this I know, of course, but practicing when I am overwhelmed can be difficult.
He started to leave the room, so I asked him if he was ready to talk to Mica and he said yes. We went out and I told Mica that brother’s body was hurt when he threw the knight and that brother was sad because he had worked hard to put the knight together.
Mica went to Orlando and said, “Sorry, Anano.”
And Orlando said, “Bleh!” and walked away. And then Mica started saying, “I mad at you, Anano!!”
Hm.
“Orlando,” I said, following him into the other room with Mica behind me still yelling that he was mad, “I thought you said you were ready to connect. Mica came to you with an open heart and now you guys are in conflict again.”
I crouched down between them.
Orlando said, “Yeah, okay, I’m ready to connect.” And in that mercurial way of children, he really meant it.
Mica piped in, “Sorry, Anano.”
“I’m sorry, Mica. I love you.”
“I love you, Anano.”
And then, right before my astonished eyes, they hugged each other.
* * Here’s another post about listening. * *
* * And a post about trying to give up coercion. * *
* * And one more, this one about empathic listening when you think your child is not telling the truth. * *
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So sweet!
Wow, wow, wow, Stacy! Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful exchange with us! I am so glad that you had this redeeming moment after yesterday's low to remind you of all the incredible GOOD you are doing with your boys! What a powerful example you've given us all for peaceful parenting.
Cheers!
Alexis
stacy, earlier today debbie asked me if i'd read your latest post. i just did, and i'm so glad. it seems we're all working on the same stuff, whether its orlando or ani or me. we had good day today too.
dan
What a wonderful post Stacy! I'm so impressed that he called you, while holding back his fist. Great self-control. My youngest has anger issues that we are trying to work through, this post made me think of her.
Lisa
I had to laugh at the image of a child holding back a punch and asking for help to not follow through!
Fab connection and compassion on all your parts.
I so agree with you. That calming down and allowing him to work through his feelings is so empowering compared to what i hear sometimes, 'for the millionth time, don't hit your brother/sister!'
Wow! YES! i love having this story in my mind, a real possibility of change for me and my youngest, hope that all the slow slow work on transforming anger into connection might actually lead somewhere…
debbie this time
Oh, this made me tear up! Probably because we are so in this stage right now at our house, and my eldest (4 3/4, I think close to Orlando?) is just starting to be able to catch herself in this way, and work through it on another level. The twins (just turned 3) hit first and then repent. It is so fascinating and inspiring to see this shift and self-awareness. I had not thought to tell her to call me for help thought, that is exactly what I will do. Namaste- Lisa
i wnt you to know I love reading your stuff. seriously inspirational for me. thank you.
~tara
This actually made me cry! What a wonderful approach to such a common problem. How great that Orlando is learning restraint and that he is able to talk his anger out.
I really loved this post. It is so hard to be present and remain both neutral and calm in sibling rivalry situations. I am so impressed with your child's self-control. You are obviously a great role model.
Ahhhhh, love reading about moments like these – what an inspiration! Thank you.