We started ringing our mindfulness bell again. We used to do it all the time this past spring and summer, but then we fell out of the habit.
Here’s the story of our mindfulness bell…
I was holding newborn Orlando in my arms, and my mother told me, “Remember to take care of yourself first.” Her words floated past me in a familiar but meaningless drift. I murmured assent, and brought my baby in a little closer.
Five years — and one more kid — later, and my mother’s words have become my life-line. Now I wear a pendant that says First, keep the peace within yourself. Then you can also bring peace to others. I’ve heard similar sentiments expressed in many ways: Peace begins within…. Put on your oxygen mask first; then assist those around you…. When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
As you all know, Mama’s been unhappy.
By the time Mica was born and my health spun out six months later, it no longer seemed selfish to take care of myself (as it vaguely had when my mother first suggested it). I’m way over that. I’m all about the naturopathic care, acupuncture, meditating, writing, socializing… in an attempt to keep my own cup filled so I have something to give.
But there are so many times when I am what gives. As in I lose it. It seems shockingly easy for me to tumble into a tirade over one more squished fig or to bark out “settle down!” I am often able to stop myself midstream, but I want to learn to attend those feelings before they explode their way into the world.
So a few months ago, I started out by choosing markers — activities I did every day, such as brushing my teeth, opening the fridge, feeling Mica grab my legs (usually when I was busy in the kitchen!) — and used them as opportunities to regain a sense of my own center. I would close my eyes (but not always), relax my stomach, and breathe slowly until I could focus on my breath going in and out. This would often take less than a minute. Then I would move on, into my busy day, trying to carry a bit of that quiet with me.
I also started taking time in the heat of the moment. Taking care of everyone else or bearing down and plowing through unpleasant situations (often, unfortunately, creating additional unpleasantness) remain hard habits for me to break. But I started retraining myself by using those feelings as a signal to stop: take a moment, take care of myself. To help me, I ring our mindfulness bell.
Our mindfulness bell is actually a small “singing” bowl. Singing bowls have been used in Buddhist practice throughout history to bring awareness to the current moment. They vary in size from a few inches to a few feet in diameter, are made from metal or crystal, and usually sit on a small cushion. We strike our bowl, which is one of the smallest ones and brass, on the side with a slender wooden mallet. When Mica isn’t carrying the bell around the house banging it on things, it sits on a cabinet at the bottom of our stairs. Anyone in our family can ring it when they are feeling the need for a bit of peace or space.
I like that our bell can be rung like a gong — there is no need to jiggle a little bell and then keep holding on to it — and that other family members can hear it and take a moment to send compassion to that person (and be prepared to talk together about what is going on afterward, if need be). Plus, the singing bowl sounds truly beautiful. It resonates with a high-pitched but centered hum that commands attention while softening one’s heart.
Here are a few examples of our mindfulness bell in action…
* I am sitting at the bottom of the stairs. I have spent the morning in futility. The kids are barely dressed, toys are everywhere, the kitchen is a hazardous waste zone, and I am tired and hungry. I ring the bell and breathe deeply a few times. I open my eyes to see both kids standing at the doorway regarding me with curiosity. I open my arms and they climb into my lap.
* We are visiting my brother and his family when my five year old finds himself in a tugging match with his cousin over a toy. I squat down next to my son and put my hand gently on his arm. I tell him, “It’s okay to let go, Boo. We can find a solution for everyone. Just think of the mindfulness bell.” His whole body visibly relaxes and he lets go of the toy. We step back to talk about how to resolve things fairly.
* I am trying to get some writing done at the computer. The kids had been playing together on their own but now they’re ready for my involvement and are back in my office, throwing each other down on the floor, throwing toys down the stairs, drawing on every surface imaginable. I keep telling them, “Okay, guys, do something else, I’m almost done!” until finally, I begin to snap. “You guys are driving me crazy! I just need one single minute to get something done…” My older son says, “Ding!” He says it again, “Ding!” Then he tells me, “Mama, listen to the mindfulness bell!”
The bell has become a mesmerizing and powerful tool for everyone in our family. It not only represents peace and well-being, it brings those very things to life each moment we choose to hear it.
After five years of being a mama, my mother’s words are resonating through me, and throughout my life and family… Sometimes I feel embarrassed and a little sad that it’s taken me until age thirty-eight to learn to care for myself, especially during times of stress or illness. But mainly I feel grateful that I am learning at all, and that my sons are learning just as much, if not more, than I.
When I hear the mindfulness bell, I think of the circle of mothering — my mom, my self, my children — and of how we can all learn to care for ourselves, and each other, one moment at a time.
I first learned about using a mindfulness bell this way from Thich Nhat Hanh’s book Peace Is Every Step (pages 18, 45-47). I want to thank my friend Cynthia for reminding me of this practice at a crucial time for our family.
Also, this piece originally appeared in shorter form on Seattle Mom Blogs.
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Great piece!
I’ve looked hi and lo for a bell whose tone I like. I could really use one some days.
Oh, mama, I need me one of those bowls. I think it’s something that could serve all of us well around here.
I’ve used events as mindfulness bells… mine are the phone ringing and walking through the bathroom door… I love the idea of having a bell anyone can ring and everyone can hear!
What a nice idea–and a great way to teach your kids how to deal with stress.
I LOVE your mindfulness bell!
I’ve never heard of this idea before but it sounds like a nice idea and a great way to teach kids to pause a minute when they’re stressed. I love the examples you added.
Thanks for all the comments… I’m glad the idea is “resonating” for you all.
I want to give credit where it is due… the idea for “markers” came from the introductory meditation class I took with Rodney Smith at the Seattle Insight Meditation Society.
Thich Nhat Hanh writes often about using a mindfulness bell in this way. I would recommend his books Peace Is Every Step and Anger.
And last but not least, a good friend of mine mentioned that she used the bell with her sons last winter, which set me out to buy a special, small bell of our own.
**May we all feel the peace that lives within.**
Great post!
“First, keep the peace within yourself. Then you can also bring peace to others.” This is very very true.
Using the sing bowls for this is such a great idea. I should try that myself. Mine are in our bedroom and they usually get used at night before sleeping or in the morning while lazying around bed. I’ll put one on one of my kid’s backs or bellies etc and bong it. It’s a perfect opportunity for them and their own mindfulness having to stay still and listening while it’s bonged.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s books are wonderful!
Again, thanks for the great post.
This sounds WONDERFUL. Where do you get a mindfulness bell?
Oh this is lovely. I have a singing bowl as well as chimes that we bought in Nepal. I have used them from time to time just because I love their sounds but it had never occured to me to use them for mindfulness. Thank you for the inspiration.
I love that your son went to the bell when he was frustrated and then, ‘felt centred’ lol. Wonderful.
hey @nora…
I got mine at East-West bookshop here in Seattle. The smallest metal singing bowls cost $30-40 and the medium ones are around $80.
I got the smallest one for our family mindfulness bell… we ring it many times a day, so I figure it pays for itself pretty quickly!
This is an awesome article! Thank you so much for sharing it. I love the bell idea for all in the family. I’m with you on taking moments throughout the day to clearly center myself, yet I know my children could really benefit from a unified “process” that we can all use to center and calm. Thanks again!
I love this idea — thank you for sharing it!
I love this. I could certainly benefit from a mindfulness bell, and my son, who is so much like me, could use one too. I’m going to see if we can incorporate something like this in our chaotic lives.
And thank you for mentioning books. I’m always looking for books to read to help me on my journey.
Just beautiful. We have been going through a tough time. Thank you so much for reminding me of this technique! I love your bell. Simply wonderful.
Here is an online version of mindfulness bell. Maybe it be useful to you and your reader.
http://www.fungie.info/bell/
What a wonderful idea! We could use one of those. I am going to find something to use today until I can get a bell!