This Mad Mama! Moment brought you by… exhaustion.
Mica is teething. He has a fever. He has a stuffy and runny nose. He can’t sleep. He cries. He drools. He can’t sleep.
By can’t sleep I mean he nurses, nurses, nurses, snurfling through his stuffy nose, until he unlatches and rolls over. He lies there for a few minutes and I am just about to drift off to sleep when he cries. “Waaah! All this gunk in my nose is horrible! Help! Help! If only I could blow my nose. If only I would let my mother suck the snot out with the pokey thing! But alas, I’ll just nurse, nurse, nurse again, until I unlatch and roll over….” ad nauseum.
We did this until 3:30 in the morning, and then Rom took him in the ergo for a little bit so I could sleep.
“What is it, Boo?”
“I love you.”
“Okay, Boo, I love you too.”
I am just about asleep again, when: “Mama?”
“I had a dream…”
“Orlando, I want to sleep. Can you tell me tomorrow?”
I am totally delirious. “Orlando! Leave me alone! Please! Leave me alone!” I grab my pillow, and start to leave, thinking I will go in the other room to sleep.
“Mama! No! Mama! Don’t leave!”
But I leave! I leave anyway. I go downstairs, telling Rom I don’t know what to do. I am in a total panic. Mica wakes up and wants out of the ergo into my arms.
We all go back upstairs. We turn on the light. I sit up in bed, holding Mica while he cries. I am crying. Orlando lies next to Rom, looking at me with sleepy, teary eyes.
Eventually, Mica settles down. Orlando and I keep looking at each other.
“I’m sorry, Orlando. I’m sorry I left the room.”
“It’s okay, Mama.” His face is puffy from crying, his eyes a different shape from their waking form. He looks me in my own eyes and says, “We’re just learning.”
I have said to this him many times. “…Yeah.”
“We’re all just learning all the time,” he adds.
I give him a smile, but inside I am wishing that I would learn more quickly. I wish I could be purged, right now, of the desire to control another person, and of the desperate impulse to exert that control. I wish I could be free of it, right now, so my child could remain free of it.
So many mistakes I’ve made. I try to remain hopeful that I can learn, and teach, a new way.
* * *
May all beings be free of pain and suffering.